Friday, January 29, 2010

Friday Night at the Movies Week 4 - Swordfight!

I found myself in a rather deep, yet utterly ridiculous conversation this past week with my friend the Paparazzi.  We are both admirers of fine cinema, and our conversation had settled on the attributes, so to say, of one Viggo Mortensen.  It seems, with the exception of the Lord of the Rings movies, this guy is always getting naked.  Sometimes he'll show his ass, sometimes other dangling appendages.  Other times he'll just bang the hell out of Maria Bello on a staircase.

Needless to say, we admire Mr. Mortenson.

And if you are going to talk swinging dicks on the big screen, you can hardly leave out Ewan McGregor.  His Mr. Friendly most likely has an agent by now, and before long will be demanding billing above the title.  I'm sure he was tempted more than once to show Princess Amidala his lightsaber while filming Star Wars.

But beside their fondness for onscreen nudity, they have both starred in some dynamite crime films.  So instead of popping this up as a poll, I'm opening it up for comments.  So damn it people, comment. 

And if any big time hollywood producers are reading, this idea was mine first.  Give me two days and I'll have a script tailored for a director.  For Michael Bay, lots of action!  For Gus Van Sant, it will be two hours of measuring, but with angst.

The Fighters!

In the blue corner, hailing from New York.  He is 5'11 and 51(!) years old.  An accomplished painter, poet, photographer and horse rider, with such films as Eastern Promises, History of Violence, A Perfect Murder, and Psycho under his belt, he will float like a butterfly and sting like bee.  His best ass kicking role to date is Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings trilogy, he is...

Viggo Mortenson!

And fighting out of the red corner,  hailing from Scotland.  He is 5'10.5" and 38 years old.  He likes to ride motorcycles and duet with ex-wives of Tom Cruise.  He is the star of such films as Young Adam, A Life Less Ordinary, Trainspotting, and Shallow Grave.  He chooses life, and to fight!  His best ass kicking role to date is that old desert hermit, Obi-Wan Kenobi, he is...

Ewan McGregor!

Let's have a good fight gentlemen.  I'd tell you to keep it above the belt, but odds are you're not wearing pants.


  1. I don't know that I could actually sit down, let alone - pay!, to see this film unless it was a double feature of chicks settling their issues in some foreign substance, too. But, I digress...

    I gotta say, the idea is great, but the end seems easy to me: Viggo wins handedly and probably quickly.

    Ewan strikes me as the type to put up a great front, but when push comes to shove, he'd balk a bit and then find a way to shank you when you're picking up your kid at school, or in line for lunch somewhere.

    Viggo would fight, bare-ass Roadhouse-style for as long as you wanted to test him, but if he even began to sense he might lose, I wouldn't put it past him to grab a fist o' pubes or jam a finger in his opponent's asshole. You'd have to be fighting for your very soul to continue when someone's taking your temperature the Amish Way!

    Viggo wins.

  2. I certainly agree that Viggo would win, but I think you discount Mr. McGregor. The man is Scottish, and if Braveheart has taught me anything, it's that you don't take lightly a man wearing a kilt. Ewan would fight dirty. Also, he probably knows a real life "Begbie" who would jump in and try to fishook Viggo.

  3. Surprisingly enough, I couldn't find one clip of Viggo fighting naked online. I was sure youtube would even have videos of my birth. I did get to watch some clips of Ewan in Velvet Goldmine though. Forgot what a gem that film was.

  4. Good point about Begbie. You know what ruined my tough-guy persona for Ewan? It wasn't just Moulin Rouge, but watching him and Charlie in Long Way Round hurt his cred a tad. I still love him as a draw to the films, but by himself, he'd be like Renton at the end of Trainspotting; getting his due while everyone slept, sneaking out.